Overview

"""What I wish I had known"" We're living the good life. What went wrong? When, and why? I'll keep searching for the answers, striving to help others, avoid the same gut-wrenching tragedy. Michael, my son and overachiever, was a scholar and an outstanding athlete, drawn to the military early on. Despite his sturdy outer-shell, Michael was gentle. His senior year, he'd coax me into signing parental consent to enlist; at seventeen. I recall crying! Michael chuckled, not mocking me, making light of his choice... Thanks, mom, don't worry about me. I'm not going to war. I'm not going to die. I'm just going into the Marine Corps. My terrible premonition evolved on September 11, 2001. Michael's training just ended for Air Crew-Chief. He was assigned to the massive CH-53 Super Stallion Transporting-Helicopter. What I wish I had known... was that a helicopter crashed in Western Iraq and Michael (the air crew chief) wrote the ill-fated flight schedule, killing thirty-one men. He swapped out a more experienced crew member for a rookie. This story exams the psychological injuries my son sustained during his military service-the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) signs he was in severe distress. Veterans (like Michael) pride themselves in strength. Traumatic events can undermine their power-the ability to avoid dealing with emotions in the face of danger. Once emotions are buried, some veterans and first responders continue internalizing mental anguish instead of reaching out for help. Shockwaves spread-wide Michael's in his prime, survived war, earned a master's degree and in love, engaged. I'm stunned, why? Twenty-two veterans die by suicide daily, it's a long-lasting statistic. Twenty-two but not you-not my Michael! I'd bet my life and savings on that! Mental fog set in, this time I reached out to Michael's trusted friends (Korah Hoffman LMSW/MPA) and Erik Fries USMC Air Crew Chief/Brother in arms. Erik exposed me to the harsh reality of war. Korah shared her personal and professional struggle with Michael's silent battle. If death wasn't devastating enough, I'd breakdown at Mass, when our Catholic priest uttered ""Suicides are damned to hell"""" his words echoed from the pulpit! Tormented, I'll seek a medium. Naturally, I wanted to check in on my son. What I experienced was a life-changing revelation."

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9781662915154

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Debut author Wiktorek painfully recalls the suicide of her son, a war veteran who suffered from PTSD. Michael Christopher Mead wanted to join the military before graduating high school, and he implored his mother to grant him signed permission to join when he was 17 years old. She ignored her gut-wrenching feeling about the matter and did so, and after graduating in 2000, Michael became a U.S. Marine, trained to be the chief of a CH53 Super Stallion, the largest helicopter in the military's fleet. The author was proud of her son but also anxious about his safety, and her worst fears were realized when, in the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, Michael was deployed to Iraq. While there, one of the helicopters he commanded crashed, killing 31 men. When he returned home, Wiktorek noticed that he was less voluble, more introspective, and often had a distant look on his face, but she was unaware of his inner scars. Michael began to build a bright future; he graduated from college in 2010 with a degree in architecture and was on the path to a promising career; he was also engaged to be married. It was a terrible shock when her son took his own life in 2014, at the age of 32. Over the course of this remembrance, Wiktorek poignantly discusses the depths of her own grief in straightforward, plain language that's as forthcoming as it is powerful: I never saw it coming yet it was right there in plain sight. Every sign, every word, every call; it wasn't like we didn't talk regularly. How did I miss all the signs? In addition to a candid account of her own experience managing her mental health in the aftermath of her son's death, she also furnishes a helpful account for readers of the signals that one's loved one may be contemplating suicide as well as specific guidance on how to help. This is a memoir that's undeniably full of despair, but the author relates her story movingly, and her experience is one that will be edifying for many others. An affecting story of loss, grief, and recovery. -Kirkus Reviews

"Debut author Wiktorek painfully recalls the suicide of her son, a war veteran who suffered from PTSD. Michael Christopher Mead wanted to join the military before graduating high school, and he implored his mother to grant him signed permission to join when he was 17 years old. She ignored her ""gut-wrenching feeling"" about the matter and did so, and after graduating in 2000, Michael became a U.S. Marine, trained to be the chief of a CH53 Super Stallion, the largest helicopter in the military's fleet. The author was proud of her son but also anxious about his safety, and her worst fears were realized when, in the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, Michael was deployed to Iraq. While there, one of the helicopters he commanded crashed, killing 31 men. When he returned home, Wiktorek noticed that he was less voluble, more introspective, and often had a ""distant look"" on his face, but she was unaware of his ""inner scars."" Michael began to build a bright future; he graduated from college in 2010 with a degree in architecture and was on the path to a promising career; he was also engaged to be married. It was a terrible shock when her son took his own life in 2014, at the age of 32. Over the course of this remembrance, Wiktorek poignantly discusses the depths of her own grief in straightforward, plain language that's as forthcoming as it is powerful: ""I never saw it coming yet it was right there in plain sight. Every sign, every word, every call; it wasn't like we didn't talk regularly. How did I miss all the signs?"" In addition to a candid account of her own experience managing her mental health in the aftermath of her son's death, she also furnishes a helpful account for readers of the signals that one's loved one may be contemplating suicide as well as specific guidance on how to help. This is a memoir that's undeniably full of despair, but the author relates her story movingly, and her experience is one that will be edifying for many others. An affecting story of loss, grief, and recovery. -Kirkus Reviews"

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What drives Laura Wiktorek is faith, family and friends. This memoir thrusted from tragedy now pain fuels a passion for awareness. The wisdom I've come to share came at the ultimate price. My son suffered in silence. Now I'll be his voice! I'm motivated to speak out for Michael and other Veterans who suffer with PTSD. Once upon a time... I Thought Michael was home free, safe, and sound. Now I feel a responsibility to share this experience.

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