Overview

"Book II is every bit as delightful as the original Vertical Lines - page after page of smiles, laughs, and sometimes outright guffaws. Both books are the perfect companions when you need a pick-me-up or just have a few minutes and want something light. And they never get old! Open to any page and see for yourself. Guaranteed to please! Samples: I asked my husband if I was the only one he had ever slept with. He said yes, all the others were nines or tens. I went swimming today. I took a pee in the deep end. The lifeguard noticed and blew his f**king whistle so loud, I almost fell in. Good men are found in every corner of the Earth. Unfortunately, the Earth is round. He: ""I started seeing someone. She: ""As in dating or hallucinations?"" I had my patience tested. I'm negative. I run like the winded. I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children' and I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.' Irony - the opposite of wrinkly. Before was was was was, was was is. Courage is knowing it might hurt and doing it anyway. Stupidity is exactly the same thing, and that's why life is hard. Retired: I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today. Don't be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can't fly. Every morning is the dawn of a new error. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog. I threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing, so I'm probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go. I went on a date with a blonde last night. ""Do you have any kids?"" she asked. ""Yes,"" I replied. ""I have one child that's just under two."" She said, ""I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."" I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions. I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life. It's an oughtobiography. The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. The word 'umbrella' was going to be just 'brella' but the inventor of the word hesitated. There are two parts of my brain - left and right. In the left side, there's nothing right. And in the right side, there's nothing left. Three of my favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. When I was young, I felt like a male trapped in a female's body. Then I was born. Women should not have children after 35 - 35 children are enough! You come from dust. You will return to dust. That's why I don't dust. It could be someone I know. You have to stay in shape."

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Retired from city management and the practice of law, Andrew Felder is the editor and publisher of The Network Magazine - a bi-monthly publication which reaches over 100,000 throughout the United States. Vertical Lines II is the second collection of humorous excerpts that have appeared in the magazine - in this instance, over the last 2 years.

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