Overview

This innovative volume delineates a developmental theory of love relationships that provides a comprehensive framework for treating couples. Drawing on 30 years of clinical experience, Sheila Sharpe conceptualizes marriage and other committed partnerships as comprising multiple patterns of relating that develop over time in a parallel, though interconnected, fashion. Seven universal patterns of intimate relating are identified: nurturing, merging, idealizing, devaluing, controlling, competing for superiority, and competing in love triangles. In this multifaceted formulation, each pattern has its origins in early development, is reworked in different ways throughout life, and expresses everyone's basic needs for both connection and separateness. The book describes common problems that couples encounter in the normal development of each pattern, as well as the kinds of defensive interactions that result when a couple's development is more seriously disrupted. Guided by this framework, clinicians learn ways to precisely assess and more effectively treat couples experiencing a wide range of difficulties. Clear, vivid clinical illustrations bring to life the entire process of therapy and demonstrate how the therapist's emotional reactions may be used to enhance treatment.

Full Product Details

9781593850197

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Reviews

This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing stance, and to find a perspective that makes day-to-day stressors more readily understood. Clear and engaging, this book will undoubtedly be useful for both seasoned and less experienced therapists. I have used the book extensively as a text in graduate courses, and my students describe it as practical and inspiring. As a resource to recommend to clients, including new parents and other couples at critical junctures in their lives, The Ways We Love is reassuring and thought-provoking. --Judith Siegel, PhD, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University <br> This engaging, nourishing text offers a well-balanced meal for clinicians and couples. Sharpe calls on her years of clinical experience to identify seven themes in couple relationships--nurturing, merging, idealizing, devaluing, controlling,

This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing stance, and to find a perspective that makes day-to-day stressors more readily understood. Clear and engaging, this book will undoubtedly be useful for both seasoned and less experienced therapists. I have used the book extensively as a text in graduate courses, and my students describe it as practical and inspiring. As a resource to recommend to clients, including new parents and other couples at critical junctures in their lives, The Ways We Love is reassuring and thought-provoking. --Judith Siegel, PhD, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University This engaging, nourishing text offers a well-balanced meal for clinicians and couples. Sharpe calls on her years of clinical experience to identify seven themes in couple relationships--nurturing, merging, idealizing, devaluing, controlling, competing for superiority, and competing in love triangles. Illuminated are the developmental histories of these themes, their adaptive and pathological dimensions, and their consequences both for the relationship and for the partners as individuals. Countering a trend toward oversimplification in this field, Sharpe appreciates complexity. She is remarkably open about her own emotional reactions and evocatively descriptive of her patients' experience. The treatment model elaborated here should be of practical use to both therapists and clients. --Robert Winer, MD., The Washington School of Psychiatry The variety and range of relationship difficulties traverse many kinds of distress, defying attempts to organize them into categories. This groundbreaking book graphically illustrates, from a developmental perspective, the manifold ways partners express their relational pain. Sharpe advances the field of couple therapy by delineating seven universal, clinically meaningful patterns of intimate relating. Based on many years of experience treating couples, the book demonstrates rare clinical sophistication. One aspect is a particular gift--Sharpe's honesty and openness in revealing the personal thoughts, feelings, and frustrations that come up for her as a therapist dealing with very difficult situations. The book is easy to read and the case histories are fascinating. --James L. Framo, PhD, Distinguished Professor, Emeritus, United States International University Psychoanalysis has concerned itself largely with the development of individuals--and only through the period of adolescence. Sheila Sharpe stretches the psychoanalytic canvas to make space for a developmental model of intimate partnerships. A superbly attentive clinician, she graphs her new schema for us with precision and wit. --Deborah Anna Luepnitz, PhD, author of The Family Interpreted: Psychoanalysis, Feminism and Family Therapy This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing view, while allowing for a full integration of object relations and systems concepts. Her approach to couples work invites us to view the couple's struggles with dignity and compassion. She portrays couples and her work with them in an honest, revealing manner, and, unlike many therapists, recognizes and responds to the impact of day-to-day stressors. The book is clear, engaging, and will undoubtedly be useful for both seasoned and less experienced therapists. I also plan to use it as a text in the graduate-level couples courses I teach. --Judith Siegel, PhD, Associate Professor, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University

This book shines like a beacon of guidance and is a landmark in its field. It presents a remarkably integrated and sophisticated theoretical framework, drawing upon the best in current psychoanalytic theory to explore the development and the pitfalls of love relationships. Extended clinical vignettes, alternatively witty and moving, convincingly illustrate the clinical applications of the author's theoretical concepts....This book is must reading, not only for all therapists who engage in couple therapy, but also for any mental health professional dealing with relationships. Sharpe's clear and engaging writing style makes the book also suitable for any nonprofessional who is interested in understanding the vicissitudes of loving, and could be useful to those who are contemplating couple therapy. -- Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association ( JAPA) <br>.,. a rare find that offers a marvelous feast for the reader: a groundbreaking theory and clinical approach enriched by vivid clinical vignettes spiced with humor and candor. The main course is further enhanced by the inclusion of a cultural perspective on the development of love relationships, a expressed in popular movies, songs, stories, and television. In crystal clear prose devoid of jargon, the author seamlessly interweaves all of these elements to read like a fascinating novel....The author is at her very best in writing about her treatment of difficult cases. There are many excerpts from sessions presented in dialogue form that also include her own thoughts and feelings as they occur in sessions. Of particular help is her identification of the kinds of collusive role relationships commonly associated with eachpattern....I cannot think of a professional book I could recommend more highly. Given that love-life concerns are usually central to most people coming for therapy, I consider this book to be essential reading not only for clinicians working directly with couples, but also for those who primarily do individual therapy or psychoanalysis. Patients and couples in therapy can also be given this book or selected chapters to augment the therapy process. Several of my patients and other lay readers I know have found this book to be a most interesting, helpful guide to understanding the many mysteries of their own unique love relationships. -- Psychologist-Psychoanalyst <br> Have you ever wondered how to combine the precepts of developmental psychology and marital therapy? Sheila A. Sharpe, PhD had written a very fine book integrating these two concepts....an excellent resource for the practicing clinician. Each relating pattern is thoroughly described before being presented in case study format. The case studies interweave narrative descriptions and session transcriptions, and are developed throughout the text. This presentation captures the complexity of actual couples therapy and gives the reader the opportunity to get to know the case study couples more completely in both their difficulties and their relational repair work....As a clinician, I found The Ways We Love stimulating and helpful as I considered the relating patterns of my couple clients. I will recommend this book to my clinic colleagues. -- Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy <br> This book provides us with the first comprehensive theory of the normal development of love relationships and an associated treatmentapproach....this book is wonderfully written and reads like a collection of entertaining stories. The author's discussion of development is enriched by her inclusion of cultural attitudes and myths, and she illustrates many of her points by bringing in current movies, literature, songs, and other expressions of popular culture. -- The Psychoanalytic Quarterly <br> Sharpe's highly readable treatise presents her theories on key patterns of connection and separateness in couples, how they develop through the course of relationships, and how problems can emerge along the way that move couples into treatment. -- Journal of Psychology and Christianity <br> It is a pleasure to review this book, which has been carefully researched and revised before coming to its final form. Dr. Sharpe is an experienced, sensitive, and well-trained clinician....Most skillfully presented are the brief samples of diaglogue from therapy sessions. These are well-chosen to give a sense of the therapeutic moment for both patient and therapist. -- Section VIII Newsletter of APA's Division 39 <br> The strength of this book is the 'vivid clinical illustrations' which allow the reader to view what an experienced therapist thinks, feels, and says to couples....will appeal to experienced marital therapists who wish to consider new concepts or just enjoy descriptions of the trials and tribulations of marital therapy. -- Canadian Journal of Psychiatry <br>.,. a sophisticated yet eminently readable piece of work. It is an easy, enjoyable, refreshing read, devoid of jargon and beautifully laced with instructive clinical vignettes. It can be read profitably by any practitioner who works with families or couples. -- Psychiatric Services <br> [The author's] clear, engaging prose, seamlessly intertwines current theory, case examples, and the practical application of marital therapy. This is that rarity, a book that is instructive, compelling, and just plain fun to read. -- Readings <br>.,. psychotherapist and educator Sheila Sharpe delineates a developmental theory of love relationships that provides an effective and comprehensive approach to counseling couples....Sharpe supplies vital insights and useful tools for therapeutic work, as well as offering the clinician a multifaceted perspective on how couple relationships grow and what happens when their growth becomes flawed. The Ways We Love is an impressive contribution to professional and academic family therapy reading lists and reference collections. -- The Bookwatch <br>

This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing stance, and to find a perspective that makes day-to-day stressors more readily understood. Clear and engaging, this book will undoubtedly be useful for both seasoned and less experienced therapists. I have used the book extensively as a text in graduate courses, and my students describe it as practical and inspiring. As a resource to recommend to clients, including new parents and other couples at critical junctures in their lives, The Ways We Love is reassuring and thought-provoking. --Judith Siegel, PhD, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University This engaging, nourishing text offers a well-balanced meal for clinicians and couples. Sharpe calls on her years of clinical experience to identify seven themes in couple relationships--nurturing, merging, idealizing, devaluing, controlling, competing for superiority, and competing in love triangles. Illuminated are the developmental histories of these themes, their adaptive and pathological dimensions, and their consequences both for the relationship and for the partners as individuals. Countering a trend toward oversimplification in this field, Sharpe appreciates complexity. She is remarkably open about her own emotional reactions and evocatively descriptive of her patients' experience. The treatment model elaborated here should be of practical use to both therapists and clients. --Robert Winer, MD., The Washington School of Psychiatry The variety and range of relationship difficulties traverse many kinds of distress, defying attempts to organize them into categories. This groundbreaking book graphically illustrates, from a developmental perspective, the manifold ways partners express their relational pain. Sharpe advances the field of couple therapy by delineating seven universal, clinically meaningful patterns of intimate relating. Based on many years of experience treating couples, the book demonstrates rare clinical sophistication. One aspect is a particular gift--Sharpe's honesty and openness in revealing the personal thoughts, feelings, and frustrations that come up for her as a therapist dealing with very difficult situations. The book is easy to read and the case histories are fascinating. --James L. Framo, PhD, Distinguished Professor, Emeritus, United States International University Psychoanalysis has concerned itself largely with the development of individuals--and only through the period of adolescence. Sheila Sharpe stretches the psychoanalytic canvas to make space for a developmental model of intimate partnerships. A superbly attentive clinician, she graphs her new schema for us with precision and wit. --Deborah Anna Luepnitz, PhD, author of The Family Interpreted: Psychoanalysis, Feminism and Family Therapy

This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing stance, and to find a perspective that makes day-to-day stressors more readily understood. Clear and engaging, this book will undoubtedly be useful for both seasoned and less experienced therapists. I have used the book extensively as a text in graduate courses, and my students describe it as practical and inspiring. As a resource to recommend to clients, including new parents and other couples at critical junctures in their lives, The Ways We Love is reassuring and thought-provoking. --Judith Siegel, PhD, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University This engaging, nourishing text offers a well-balanced meal for clinicians and couples. Sharpe calls on her years of clinical experience to identify seven themes in couple relationships--nurturing, merging, idealizing, devaluing, controlling, competing for superiority, and competing in love triangles. Illuminated are the developmental histories of these themes, their adaptive and pathological dimensions, and their consequences both for the relationship and for the partners as individuals. Countering a trend toward oversimplification in this field, Sharpe appreciates complexity. She is remarkably open about her own emotional reactions and evocatively descriptive of her patients' experience. The treatment model elaborated here should be of practical use to both therapists and clients. --Robert Winer, MD., The Washington School of Psychiatry The variety and range of relationship difficulties traverse many kinds of distress, defying attempts to organize them into categories. This groundbreaking book graphically illustrates, from a developmental perspective, the manifold ways partners express their relational pain. Sharpe advances the field of couple therapy by delineating seven universal, clinically meaningful patterns of intimate relating. Based on many years of experience treating couples, the book demonstrates rare clinical sophistication. One aspect is a particular gift--Sharpe's honesty and openness in revealing the personal thoughts, feelings, and frustrations that come up for her as a therapist dealing with very difficult situations. The book is easy to read and the case histories are fascinating. --James L. Framo, PhD, Distinguished Professor, Emeritus, United States International University Psychoanalysis has concerned itself largely with the development of individuals--and only through the period of adolescence. Sheila Sharpe stretches the psychoanalytic canvas to make space for a developmental model of intimate partnerships. A superbly attentive clinician, she graphs her new schema for us with precision and wit. --Deborah Anna Luepnitz, PhD, author of The Family Interpreted: Psychoanalysis, Feminism and Family Therapy This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing view, while allowing for a full integration of object relations and systems concepts. Her approach to couples work invites us to view the couple's struggles with dignity and compassion. She portrays couples and her work with them in an honest, revealing manner, and, unlike many therapists, recognizes and responds to the impact of day-to-day stressors. The book is clear, engaging, and will undoubtedly be useful for both seasoned and less experienced therapists. I also plan to use it as a text in the graduate-level couples courses I teach. --Judith Siegel, PhD, Associate Professor, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University

Author Information

Sheila A. Sharpe, PhD, specializes in psychotherapy with couples and individuals in private practice in La Jolla, California. Dr. Sharpe teaches in the Advanced Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Program of the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute, and has published and presented widely on couple therapy.

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