Overview

This is a plainspoken memoir about living with a quiet, constant sense of ""something's wrong with me""-and learning to hear yourself again. Across two parts, I trace how bullying, a controlling kind of love, late separation from my mother, and an absent father shaped my inner life. I write about depression, anxiety, shame, insomnia, binge-eating, gaming, and why my extra weight turned out to be less a ""enemy"" than a shield. There are chapters on relationships, sex, and the loop of idealization → devaluation → escape; on setting boundaries; on therapy, sport, food, and what actually helped (and what didn't). I also try to explain vulnerable narcissism not as a label to hide behind, but as a defense I had to understand and outgrow. Part One (2023-2024) is messy on purpose-the voice of someone who didn't yet know how to speak. Part Two (new in the July 3, 2025 update) includes four later chapters, a postscript about my father's death, and the story of ""Charlie,"" a childhood toy that became a key to grief and reconnection. At the end you'll find a bonus selection of my poems (about 15% of the book). This isn't a self-help manual or a path to ""success."" It's one person's honest account of pain, small experiments (walking, silence, crying, an ""anchor"" object, frank talks), and choosing to live without a mask. If you've ever felt broken in the background, people-pleased yourself numb, or kept waiting for the ""perfect day"" to start, you may recognize yourself here.

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