Overview

I have never felt like an actual person, not like other people. I've ranged from being a robot, an alien, and a spiritual being., but have never believed myself to be a person. Persons need personality and visual, identifiable emotions. People look at me oddly as if waiting for a reaction to whatever they've done or said. They won't ever be able to tell if I'm scared, excited, happy, or anything other than mildy entertained, moderately annoyed, or slightly interested and this bothers them. I've not been able to meet people's expectations to share their excitement, joy, sadness, or anger. It's insulting that people would say that I don't care about anything, but I wonder if I should bother feeling insulted. Sometimes I really wish that I knew what emotion people are looking for when they stare in anticipation, just so that I can pretend I have it and get out from under their microscope. My most common thought is, That's interesting, which is actually sarcastic, because I'm really thinking, I don't care and wish the person would stop talking to me so that I can go back to thinking or daydreaming. That doesn't mean I don't have a feeling about it, I'm usually just not interested in paying attention to any emotion. It's never a pure emotion, it's always a mixture and that's like trying to figure out all the parts of of a recipe just by tasting it. I don't know when exactly I lost the ability to identify emotion. I can see identify emotion in others, but not in myself. I don't even have an opinion anymore, because I refuse to share it. People just do what they want to do anyway, why would they bother asking me? I'm in hiding, just to avoid criticism about what I think, feel, and say from everyone I come into contact with. I feel like I'm the only one that can keep such secrets such as thoughts and opinions to myself. It is in these pages that I have written about my attempts to become like a real person, reveal secrets, find the words I could never speak aloud, and how I felt that I could find my hidden emotions through discipline as I consider reconciling with my husband.

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9781499281804

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