Overview

As polyamory continues to make its way into the mainstream, more and more people are exploring consensual non-monogamy in the hope of experiencing more love, connection, sex, freedom, and support.  While for many, the move expands personal horizons, for others, the transition can be challenging, leaving them blindsided and overwhelmed. Beyond the initial transition to non-monogamy, many struggle with the root issues beneath the symptoms of broken agreements, communication challenges, increased fighting, and persistent jealousy.  Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern and restorative justice facilitator David Cooley share the insights they have gained through thousands of hours working with clients in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Using a grounded theory approach, they explore the underlying challenges that non-monogamous individuals and partners can experience after their first steps, offering practical strategies for transforming them into opportunities for new levels of clarity and intimacy. 

Full Product Details

9781915590602

Table of Contents

Reviews

‘I often say there’s being polyamorous and then there's being polyamorous well. I believe Polywise can equip you to do just that.’ -- Evita Sawyers, author of <em>A Polyamory Devotional</em> ‘Most of us are content to “make polyamory work” and keep ourselves and our partners reasonably happy. Jessica Fern is taking us far beyond that to a much deeper level of understanding of our psyches and the underpinnings of our relationship dynamics. She and her co-conspirator David Cooley have bared their souls about the evolution of their own poly lives and relationships, as well as sharing countless illuminating stories about their clients’ struggles … Required reading and a must-have for your poly bookshelf!.’ -- Kathy Labriola, author of <em>The Polyamory Breakup Book</em> ‘An exceptional achievement that will be required reading for anyone practicing consensual non-monogamy, from seasoned veteran to timid newbie alike.’ -- Emily Sotelo Matlack, co-host of the Multiamory podcast and co-author of <em>Multiamory: essential tools for modern relationships</em> Praise for Polysecure: ‘A deeply compassionate book, Polysecure is a great read for both therapists who serve people in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships and laypeople who are interested in what makes for secure attachments in such relationships. It offers an excellent summary of conventional attachment theory, critiques and re-interprets attachment theory for CNM relationships, and provides a roadmap for people in CNM relationships who want to establish emotionally intimate and securely attached relationships with multiple partners. One of the most important insights from Fern’s delightful book is that secure attachment is a product of relationship experiences rather than relationship.’ -- Dr Elisabeth Sheff, author of <em>The Polyamorists Next Door</em>, <em>Stories from the Polycule</em>, <em>When Someone You Love is Polyamorous</em>, and <em>Children in Polyamorous Families</em> Praise for Polysecure: ‘Secure attachment is absolutely central to successful polyamorous relationships, and insecure attachment is at the core of the jealousy and other challenges in open relationships of all kinds. This book can help poly people, as well as clinicians, get to the heart of their struggles and pain. It can help them to take concrete steps to become more comfortable with their non-monogamous relationships and trust their partner’s love and commitment. This is required reading for people in open relationships and should be used as a textbook for every therapist who works with people in polyamorous relationships.’ -- Kathy Labriola, counsellor, nurse, and author of <em>The Polyamory Breakup Book</em> Praise for Polysecure: ‘Polysecure is likely to become for people interested in polyamory, what Love Languages is for understanding romance. It gives people a way to understand how they may be recreating those old patterns by bringing their own childhood attachment styles into their adult relationships. And even more importantly, it offers concrete skills for how to use this knowledge to create healthier, more satisfying, and secure relationship dynamics.’ -- Max Rivers, intimacy coach and author of <em>Loving Conflict: how conflict is really your relationship trying to go deeper</em> Praise for Polysecure: ‘An extremely helpful addition to the literature on consensual non-monogamy, and the first self-help book to focus on applying attachment theory to non-monogamous relationships. Taking the reader by the hand, Jessica Fern explains how perfectly secure attachment styles are rare, and how all of us can usefully work with our attachment issues, whatever our way of doing relationships. Weaving together research findings with therapeutic literature and personal experience, Fern does an excellent job of challenging the popular view that non-monogamous people are more likely than anyone else to struggle with attachment. She presents an extremely helpful model locating our relationship patterns within our wider culture and community as well as within our family background and relationship experiences. The notion of openly discussing whether we want an attachment-based partnership or not is worth the price of the book all by itself, as is the chapter on developing a secure attachment with yourself. This is gold!’ -- Dr Meg-John Barker, author of <em>Rewriting the Rules: an anti self-help guide to love, sex and relationships</em>

Praise for Polysecure: ‘A deeply compassionate book, Polysecure is a great read for both therapists who serve people in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships and laypeople who are interested in what makes for secure attachments in such relationships. It offers an excellent summary of conventional attachment theory, critiques and re-interprets attachment theory for CNM relationships, and provides a roadmap for people in CNM relationships who want to establish emotionally intimate and securely attached relationships with multiple partners. One of the most important insights from Fern’s delightful book is that secure attachment is a product of relationship experiences rather than relationship.’ -- Dr Elisabeth Sheff, author of <em>The Polyamorists Next Door</em>, <em>Stories from the Polycule</em>, <em>When Someone You Love is Polyamorous</em>, and <em>Children in Polyamorous Families</em> Praise for Polysecure: ‘Secure attachment is absolutely central to successful polyamorous relationships, and insecure attachment is at the core of the jealousy and other challenges in open relationships of all kinds. This book can help poly people, as well as clinicians, get to the heart of their struggles and pain. It can help them to take concrete steps to become more comfortable with their non-monogamous relationships and trust their partner’s love and commitment. This is required reading for people in open relationships and should be used as a textbook for every therapist who works with people in polyamorous relationships.’ -- Kathy Labriola, counsellor, nurse, and author of <em>The Polyamory Breakup Book</em> Praise for Polysecure: ‘Polysecure is likely to become for people interested in polyamory, what Love Languages is for understanding romance. It gives people a way to understand how they may be recreating those old patterns by bringing their own childhood attachment styles into their adult relationships. And even more importantly, it offers concrete skills for how to use this knowledge to create healthier, more satisfying, and secure relationship dynamics.’ -- Max Rivers, intimacy coach and author of <em>Loving Conflict: how conflict is really your relationship trying to go deeper</em> Praise for Polysecure: ‘An extremely helpful addition to the literature on consensual non-monogamy, and the first self-help book to focus on applying attachment theory to non-monogamous relationships. Taking the reader by the hand, Jessica Fern explains how perfectly secure attachment styles are rare, and how all of us can usefully work with our attachment issues, whatever our way of doing relationships. Weaving together research findings with therapeutic literature and personal experience, Fern does an excellent job of challenging the popular view that non-monogamous people are more likely than anyone else to struggle with attachment. She presents an extremely helpful model locating our relationship patterns within our wider culture and community as well as within our family background and relationship experiences. The notion of openly discussing whether we want an attachment-based partnership or not is worth the price of the book all by itself, as is the chapter on developing a secure attachment with yourself. This is gold!’ -- Dr Meg-John Barker, author of <em>Rewriting the Rules: an anti self-help guide to love, sex and relationships</em>

Author Information

Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist, public speaker, and trauma and relationship expert. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. Learn more at JessicaFern.com. David Cooley is a professional restorative justice facilitator, diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual cultural broker. He works with non-monogamous and LGBTQ clients, incorporating modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques. Carrie Jenkins is a professor of philosophy at the University of British Columbia and the author of What Love Is (and What it Could Be) and Sad Love: romance and the search for meaning. She holds a PhD in philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge, and an MFA in creative writing from UBC. She has been featured in The Atlantic, The New York Times, The Globe and Mail, and The Telegraph, among others.

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