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I sat in the floor of our home indian style. My hand over my face sobbing. I could hear my children as they played around me but their voices sounded distant. I sat waiting. What was I waiting for? What had happened to me? I felt completely abandoned. I wanted my parents, my brothers and sisters. I wanted my husband to hold me. I had lost it. But, what had I lost? My life came crashing down around me and I could do nothing but sit and cry. I remember the ambulance coming for me, I ran and hid like a child. I was finally giving up. I had fought too long and endured too much. I remember asking my sister to take the boys into the other room so they would not see them take me away. I looked up at the men in white, I wished they were angels there to take me to heaven. But, heaven would be in my future, now I would have to face and accept my past. The greatest part is I would not have to do it alone. I was never alone.

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9781412028608

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Kathleen is the oldest daughter and the second oldest child in a family of twelve children. Both parents are alcoholic and abusive. Her life is filled with turmoil. She is faced with abuse, neglect, abandonment, depression, divorce, attempts at suicide, separation, mental illness, arson, and malpractice. Although a child, she takes on complete responsibility for her family. Although faced with many hardships she and her siblings are very loving and close. Kathleen is not aware of the mental illness she suffers until she becomes an adult and it starts to affect her life and the lives of her family. Kathleen wants the dream we all seek for our lives, love, togetherness, healing, laughter, normalcy, or what she perceives as normal. She realizes she is not in control. The book is written as she lived her life not knowing what she would face day to day. She is fearful of the loss of family, of love, and of life itself. She writes just as she lived life on the edge of depression and mental illness. Kathleen however, come to realize that our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ has never left her, she just refuses to surrender her life completely because that would risk loosing control, something she never really had. The book is filled with love, humor, sadness and resilience. She is able to tell her story, the story of her life. It mirrors many lives today. She writes so others can read and believe. We can all be survivors. Life is not about what you have. Life is about what you are willing to give away.

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