Overview

One Man's Journey Through the Glitter-Strewn Heart of Modern Conservatism (And How the Left is Just as Fucking Bad) A mild-mannered accountant accidentally joins a right-wing outrage cult, becomes their bookkeeper, and has to throw a glittery dog turd at his best friend to save his soul and the sanctity of a children's puppet show. Dave Perkins is a divorced, bored accountant whose life is a beige spreadsheet of quiet desperation. His only friend is a goldfish named Gary and his weirdly intense neighbor, Chad Thundercock, who drags him to FreedomFighterCon '24 to see conservative shock-jock Glenn Frown spew apocalyptic rhetoric about bike lanes and critical race theory vegans. Dave is immediately submerged in a sea of red hats, foam fingers, and the overwhelming stench of nacho cheese and existential panic. Overwhelmed by the sheer force of the stupidity, Dave is pulled into the orbit of Brick ""The Boulder"" Johnson, a militant bar owner and grifter who runs The Glory Hole Glory Saloon. Alongside a cast of characters including Karen ""The Eagle Eye"" McSnipe (a Facebook group terrorist), Pastor Mike ""Hellfire"" Henderson (a fire-and-brimstone culture warrior), and Dale ""Chemtrail"" Dennison (a paranoid conspiracist), Dave is recruited for ""Operation Midnight Freedom Funnel""-a protest against a new, ""communist"" bike lane involving the strategic placement of glittery rubber dog turds. The protest goes hilariously off the rails, culminating in a brawl with a raccoon (accused of being a Deep State operative) and Dave's arrest. Instead of remorse, Brick and Chad see dollar signs. They launch a ""GoFundPatriot"" for Dave, the ""Political Prisoner of PuppetGate,"" turning his arrest into a merchandising bonanza. Against his will, Dave becomes the movement's newest martyr and, due to his accounting skills, their chief financial officer, forced to manage the staggering profits from selling ""Freedom Turds"" and ""Soros's Minion"" plush toys. The final straw is their next target: a children's puppet show at the local library, deemed a ""grooming seminar"" because of a tiny rainbow flag on the flyer. During the disastrous ""protest,"" where Chad attempts to liberate the felt puppets through sock-based combat, Dave finally snaps. He very publicly quits the movement by hurling a ""Freedom Turd"" at Chad's head and begging the police to arrest him. In jail, Dave discovers the grift has only grown in his absence, with his ""martyrdom"" raising tens of thousands of dollars. Realizing you can't reason with the outrage machine, you can only make it choke on its own greed, he engineers his own press conference. With cold, accountant precision, he exposes the entire financial scam, line-item by ridiculous line-item ($8,000 for an RV wrap! $4,000 for rubber chickens!), live on PatriotBlastTV. The donors, realizing they've been funding a beer-squirting eagle instead of a revolution, turn on the grifters, and the entire operation implodes. Dave is free. Brick is audited into oblivion. Chad becomes a dog-walker. Karen learns to code. Dave writes a bestselling memoir, A Few Flecks of Glitter, and finds peace doing the books for the community center he once almost helped destroy. Just as Dave settles into his hard-won quiet life, he's targeted by a new, more insidious grift: a slick corporate VC who wants to turn his ""authentic brand of anti-outrage"" into a meta-grifting empire of TED Talks and lifestyle products. Dave realizes the circus never leaves town; it just puts on a better suit. A blisteringly funny, profane, and incisive satire that eviscerates the outrage industry on both sides of the political spectrum, revealing the cynical grift, performative nonsense, and sheer idiocy that fuels the modern culture war. It's a story about how the only way to win is to refuse to play.

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