Overview

A transformative guide to protecting and healing yourself from the narcissism you can't see, from psychologist and preeminent narcissism expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula It's not always easy to tell when you're dealing with a narcissist. One day they draw you in with their confidence and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-confidence, and leave you wondering, What could I have done differently? As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reveals in It's Not You, the answer is- absolutely nothing. Just as a tiger can't change its stripes, a narcissist won't stop manipulating and invalidating you. To heal in the aftermath of their abuse and protect yourself from future harm, you first have to accept that you are not to blame. Deeply compassionate and revelatory, It's Not You examines how narcissists hijack our wellbeing and offers a healing path forward. Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching, and helping clients navigate the landscape of narcissism, Dr. Durvasula unpacks the oft-misunderstood personality, showing how to identify the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a narcissist and protect yourself from their toxic influence. Along the way, you'll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep us stuck in these cycles, grieve the losses, create realistic boundaries, learn the fine art of discernment, and recover your sense of self after years of invalidation. Healing and thriving after or even during a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible. It's Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.

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9780593492628

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Reviews

“A compassionate roadmap and survival guide for people in narcissistic relationships...that helps...them understand how to heal and thrive during and after these challenging relationships.” –Jay Shetty, bestselling author of Think Like A Monk and host of the On Purpose Podcast   “A must read. Dr. Ramani will teach you how to heal from any toxic relationship. With her expert advice based on decades of research and clinical experience, she makes the impossible seem possible.” –Mel Robbins, bestselling author of The High Five Habit and host of The Mel Robbins Podcast “In writing It's Not You, Dr. Durvasula directly addresses victims of narcissistic abuse with targeted advice developed through years of clinical experience and research. I would highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize it's not you who is the problem, you can become the solution.” –W. Keith Campbell, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Georgia and author of The Narcissism Epidemic   “It’s Not You tackles a subject matter so wildly misunderstood and offers a path forward for those who have been, or currently are in narcissistic relationships. With deep compassion, Dr. Ramani masterfully helps the reader shift from self-blame to seeing the picture clearly. What a profound gift it is to those who will see their experience written about in this book and feel a little less alone.” –Vienna Pharaon, bestselling author of The Origins of You and host of the This Keeps Happening podcast   “Whether you are looking to avoid damaging relationships, leave one, or finally move on from one, Dr. Ramani has produced a work that is utterly essential for understanding the patterns we were never built to see coming. By lifting the veil on these people, she not only teaches us about them, but how to stop shaming ourselves for who we had to become to survive them. It’s Not You is not just life-saving, but life-restoring. More than a way out, it’s a way back, to yourself.” –Matthew Hussey, host of the Love Life with Matthew Hussey podcast “Emotionally abusive relationships take away our voice and our power, and Dr. Ramani gives us the tools and teaches all of us how to take ourselves back and feel whole again.” –Debra Newell, author of Surviving Dirty John “What sets Dr. Ramani apart is her valuable emphasis on healing from the damaging effects of a narcissist’s destructive behavior. With a direct and compassionate approach, she reminds us that it is possible to heal. As always, Dr. Ramani gives comfort and validation to the ‘lions’. It’s Not You is a gift.” –Jenifer Faison, host of the Betrayal podcast   “Dr. Ramani is one of the most respected experts on healing and narcissism.  In this important book, I’m grateful she includes the often unseen world of grief and narcissism.  She gives deep insights and sound advice on the experience of grief. It’s Not You is a must read.” –David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning   “It’s Not You is, simply put, brilliant. In straightforward, clear language, Dr. Ramani has created a framework for deeply understanding the complexities of, and healing from, this most insidious form of abuse. She challenges misconceptions and glaring gaps in knowledge of current paradigms in traditional psychology and with compassion and refreshing candor, guides us through hell—and back to our true selves.” –Mark Vicente, NXIVM whistleblower and director of Empathy Not Included

“A compassionate roadmap and survival guide for people in narcissistic relationships...that helps...them understand how to heal and thrive during and after these challenging relationships.” –Jay Shetty, bestselling author of Think Like A Monk and host of the On Purpose Podcast   “A must read. Dr. Ramani will teach you how to heal from any toxic relationship. With her expert advice based on decades of research and clinical experience, she makes the impossible seem possible.” –Mel Robbins, bestselling author of The High Five Habit and host of The Mel Robbins Podcast “Dr. Ramani has written the book on narcissism for our times, not simply because it upends everything we thought we knew about this personality, but because it gives real people a sense of hope…that they can heal, that they can move forward from these relationships, that it’s not you.” –Maria Shriver “In writing It's Not You, Dr. Durvasula directly addresses victims of narcissistic abuse with targeted advice developed through years of clinical experience and research. I would highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize it's not you who is the problem, you can become the solution.” –W. Keith Campbell, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Georgia and author of The Narcissism Epidemic   “It’s Not You tackles a subject matter so wildly misunderstood and offers a path forward for those who have been, or currently are in narcissistic relationships. With deep compassion, Dr. Ramani masterfully helps the reader shift from self-blame to seeing the picture clearly. What a profound gift it is to those who will see their experience written about in this book and feel a little less alone.” –Vienna Pharaon, bestselling author of The Origins of You and host of the This Keeps Happening podcast   “Whether you are looking to avoid damaging relationships, leave one, or finally move on from one, Dr. Ramani has produced a work that is utterly essential for understanding the patterns we were never built to see coming. By lifting the veil on these people, she not only teaches us about them, but how to stop shaming ourselves for who we had to become to survive them. It’s Not You is not just life-saving, but life-restoring. More than a way out, it’s a way back, to yourself.” –Matthew Hussey, host of the Love Life with Matthew Hussey podcast “Emotionally abusive relationships take away our voice and our power, and Dr. Ramani gives us the tools and teaches all of us how to take ourselves back and feel whole again.” –Debra Newell, author of Surviving Dirty John “What sets Dr. Ramani apart is her valuable emphasis on healing from the damaging effects of a narcissist’s destructive behavior. With a direct and compassionate approach, she reminds us that it is possible to heal. As always, Dr. Ramani gives comfort and validation to the ‘lions’. It’s Not You is a gift.” –Jenifer Faison, host of the Betrayal podcast   “Dr. Ramani is one of the most respected experts on healing and narcissism.  In this important book, I’m grateful she includes the often unseen world of grief and narcissism.  She gives deep insights and sound advice on the experience of grief. It’s Not You is a must read.” –David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning   “It’s Not You is, simply put, brilliant. In straightforward, clear language, Dr. Ramani has created a framework for deeply understanding the complexities of, and healing from, this most insidious form of abuse. She challenges misconceptions and glaring gaps in knowledge of current paradigms in traditional psychology and with compassion and refreshing candor, guides us through hell—and back to our true selves.” –Mark Vicente, NXIVM whistleblower and director of Empathy Not Included

Author Information

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist, Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University Los Angeles, and the Founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training & Consulting. She discusses narcissism on her popular YouTube channel, on social media as @DoctorRamani, her popular online program on healing from narcissistic abuse, and as the host of the podcast Navigating Narcissism with Dr. Ramani. This is her fourth book.

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